I was raised in an alcoholic home and it made perfect sense to me to take the same path of denial and abuse. At thirteen, I’d already learned too much about life, the hard way. I discovered that it was much more comfortable and bearable under the influence of drugs and alcohol. So I smoked a lot of dope and drank a lot of beer. With the help of my "friends", it wasn't too long before I moved on to heavier drugs, and harder liquor. I guess I developed a tolerance early on. My disease was growing fast and soon would take over my life. As time went on I experimented with pot, acid, mescaline, crank, cocaine, every kind of alcoholic drink I could get my hands on, and heroin.
I finally found my drug of choice to be a combination of alcohol and speed. Eventually though, just snortin' it didn't give me the rush I was after, so I started shooting speed. As my life became more and more unmanageable I lied, and stole, and used people to get my dope. I didn't realize just how low I could go until one day when I stole my best friends food stamps to trade for some dope. There's lots of other stuff I did behind my drug abuse. Some of it worse, and some of it maybe not as bad as what someone else might do. Needless to say, none of it makes me proud.
By the time I was nineteen, I was alone with two young children, a drinking problem, a drug habit, and no place to live. I felt like the whole world was against me. I knew I didn't really have any friends that trusted me, I was too ashamed to go around my family, and I was mad at God for letting all of this happen to me. Where was He anyway? I was so devoted to Him as a child, and I always believed that someday He could “fix” my life, but I had a hard time believing that He actually would. I believed that He was being unfair to me. He didn't love me. He had abandoned me! I mean, everything in my life that could go wrong, did go wrong. I got hooked on drugs as a young kid, my parents got a divorce, and all of my brothers and sisters had problems of their own, and I felt so very alone.
When I was a 17 year old Senior in high school I got pregnant, and without the support of my family I decided to keep my baby. I knew I was too young to be a mother but I wanted my baby and I loved her the best I knew how. Then, two years later I was pregnant a second time, again I kept my child. It wasn’t easy and I made lots of mistakes. At the age of 19 I was broke, homeless, friendless, and hopeless. For too many years I struggled with the overwhelming feeling of not belonging. I was terrified, and most of the time lived in confusion and fear. I had tried to commit suicide when I was 15 and at age 23, being homeless, with two children was more than I could bear...suicide was on my mind again. I was so hopeless, so helpless....like a little kid. I just wanted someone to care about me, to help me, to love me. I mean really, is that too much to ask?
As my life continued to get worse, my younger sister's life was on the mend. She had married a guy who's family was Christian. She started going to church with them, and then the strangest thing happened. She and her husband moved right next door to me. She started telling me that God loved me just as I was and that He had a better life for me than the one I was living. She said that if I let Him, He would help me. Well, I listened but I didn't believe.
"I would have lost heart unless I believed."
Psalm 27:13
For a long time my sister begged me to go to church with her. Finally, she talked me into actually committing to going to this evangelistic thing with her. I really had no intentions of going, but said I would. The night came, and true to my noncommittal nature, I made other plans. My little sister caught me though just as I was leaving to go out. She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said, "But Kathy, you promised to go with me." I was stuck! I couldn't say no, so I went down to the liquor store, bought a quart of beer, drank it, and went to church. We were a little bit late and the preacher was already preaching when we got there. As I walked in I heard him say,
"And God loves YOU, just the way you are!"
I was stunned. I shrunk down into the pew and just listened. I don't really remember too much of what he said that night but at the end of it all there was an altar call. My 'pot-smoking' brother-in-law who was sitting right next to me, poked me in the ribs and said, "Want to go up there?" I didn't even have to think about it. "Yeah" I said. He looked at me and said, "I'll go with ya".
I knew from that moment on, my life would never be the same again.
Through Gods grace and healing power I've found a hope that goes beyond words. I'm not going to tell you that everything has been perfect, or that "I have arrived", or anything. I only know that since I accepted Jesus as my Savior, life has never been as bad as it used to be, and I know it's not as good as it going to get! I'm not as bad as I used to be, and I'm not as good as He intends to make me! (See Jeremiah 29:11 and Philippians 1:6)
Each day still presents it’s challenges and sometimes I feel like it is more than I can humanly bear. I lost both my parents within 4 months of each other and that, added in with the continuing issues of motherhood, family, finances, ministry, and driving in traffic, not to mention the state of the world, can make a person want to jump off a cliff some days….yeah, there are trials and disappointments, but now I know I'm not alone. I don't have to carry any burdens by myself. I don't have to rely on myself to make things better. Jesus said He would be with me always. I believe Him. I have hope that it really is going to be okay, I am loved, and I do have a purpose here on this earth! Every time I look up into the night sky and behold the wonders of the heavens above I feel the Presence of God. I feel Him looking at me, and no matter how good or bad that day was I know God is near. This give me hope to face whatever comes next.
It’s my desire to share this hope in every song I write, every note I sing, and every testimony I give. I enjoy writing songs that really dig into the heart of the matter, and tell it like it is, honestly. Real life, real struggles, real victory! As God continues the gentle healing of my damaged emotions, restoring life to my soul, I can't help but sing about it! So that's what I do.
In August of 1995, God called me to full time ministry. I struggled with Him about it for over a year. Who would pay the bills if I were to quit my job as a manicurist? I was so afraid to even consider it, until one day, with unbelievable pain in my hands, it became impossible for me to work. I was really on the edge and knew I had to take a step of faith that would change everything. I was so very afraid, and then I heard this true story that changed my life....
There was a man who had a three year old daughter who had been taking a nap. He went down to the basement to get supplies for the family when the child woke with a start. She was scared to find she was all alone and didn't know where her daddy was. Her father had just turned out the light in the basement and was on his way back up the stairs when he heard her running through the house screaming, “Daddy, daddy, where's my daddy!”
“I'm here honey, I'm right here” he said.
She ran to the door of the basement and peering in to the darkness she whimpered, ”I can hear you but I can't see you, how do I know your really there?”
With the light shining from behind her, he could see her perfectly.
“Jump honey”, he said, ”and I’ll catch you”.
So I did..........and He did.
I made the decision that night and committed it all to His care. The very next day a woman came to me and said God had put it on her heart to give me $4,000 for my ministry! The day after that someone else told me they had another $1,000 for me! What an absolute miracle! It was an unexpected confirmation that I had made the right choice. As a single mother money was always an issue. God knew that was always my biggest fear, and before I even had a chance to change my mind He provided. I have a thousand other stories of God’s great provision but if you’ve read this far you might not want to sit here all night and read another hundred pages about it right now. You probably have lots of other things to do, but if you’d like to know more please feel free to email me.
God is faithful. And He's given me plenty to do. In fact, I’ve had the opportunity to minister to specific needs in my own area, and in 1997 founded the annual Beyond The Storm Relief Program. This program not only provides aid for families affected by storms and flooding, but also helps the community by providing food and clothing for the homeless. In the first year, with support from the local Christian community, funds were raised and donated to the Salvation Army to provide over 40,000 meals to flood victims and the homeless. Praise God!
God's faithfulness is overwhelming!
Since 1996 I have been working full time in music ministry. God is showing me that in every church, school, coffee house, rest home, park, homeless shelter, or street corner, there are people who need, and want, to be ministered to in the specific area of spiritual and emotional healing. The ministry of music has a way of touching hearts and changing lives. It reaches into the heart, washing away from the soul the dust of every day life. As we draw closer to the Second Coming of Christ it is even more important to reach out to those who are looking for answers.
Until Jesus comes to take us home, it is my hearts desire to continue going to those who have the ears to hear, and eyes that want to see, that Jesus Christ alone, is all we'll ever need.
If you want to know more,
just listen to the music!
